The Nightmare Before Pretty: Day Three & Four, An Ugly Pregnancy

Day Three

Morning sleepyheads. You've been asleep for what? Six months? 

Of course, I'm kidding. You've been asleep for merely a few hours. Time doesn't continue when I'm lazy and forget about you. Oh no. 

Dario: You forgot about us? *fake cries* 

Cassidy: Don't be such a baby. 

Dario: You see what I've put up with for six months a few days? 

Oh, she's such a nuisance. I feel so much pain for you, Dario. You must be dying because you can't find someone to love you. Look-

Dario: I'm not ugly! She loves me!  

Okay, buddy. I wasn't going to call you ugly again. I'm sorry, forgive me for I have sinned. It's great to see you again, Dario. 

Dario: The emotion in those lines changed so much. 

Just be grateful I give you any emotions, pal.  

Dario: Breakfast...breakie...fastie...break-

You good, Dario? 

Dario: I'm hungry, voice. I haven't eaten for what, six months several hours? 

Seems likely. Dig in, ugly man. 

While Dario chews on his breakfast like he usually does, let's check in on mama to be, Cassidy. Once again, reading. Outside this time, so at least she's switching things up. Book wise, there's a brilliant read for you. 

Let's assume she's an avid fan of romance novels, shall we? The book cover isn't very descriptive. 

So, any thoughts on whether or not you'd like to have children? 

Dario: Yes. 

Would you care to elaborate, Dario, or would you rather sit here and wait?

Dario: True. 

You know what, I'll see you in another six months.  

Look, Dario, I've calmed down. 

Dario: CASSIDY! MY LOVE! 

I see you're playing the 'let's ignore Tiger for six months now' card. Two can play at this game. 

Cassidy: Yes, Dar. Dar? I need a better nickname for you.   

Dario: Call me...stud. Or like, hottie. Hottie McStud Muffin. 

*Tiger shakes his head* 

Cassidy: I don't know. Sounds...lame. 

Dario: Lame? That's definitely not my middle name.  

What exactly is your middle name, Dario? 

Dario: It's....McHottie. Hehe. 

Please...just....stop. 

Dario: I think Cass likes it.   

Cassidy: I may have...enjoyed last night...but in no way do I like your apparent 'middle name'. No thank you. 

Dario: Don't you find me more attractive? 

Cassidy: Why can't it be Johnathan...or Brandon? Winston? 

Dario: I'll tell you a secret. 

Ooh, this ought to be good! Please. 

Dario: My actual middle name is.......*is too inaudible to hear* 

You sneaky son of a- 

Dario: How do you like that for a surprise? 

Cassidy: Again, last night's surprise was so much better, and I'm serious. 

I...I did like it. 

Dario: I aim to please. 

Please get me out of here. 

Cassidy: I have work, so I'll see you later. 

Dars? Rio? Am I getting anywhere with any of this? 

Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.

Cassidy: Look at these muscles. 

Dario: Bigger than mine.  

With Cassidy off to work for the day, our friend Dario returns to his chess work. 

I'm aiming to start the rounds of matches soon as well, once his skill level is decent. 

Dario: Could you please shush? 

No, why? 

Dario: I'm in deep thoughts. 

Deep thoughts? Like what? 

Dario: Like how I can defeat this darn computer...

You realise you aren't versing anyone...

Dario: I can dream, okay?   

One can dream. You should turn around right now Dario and see what I'm seeing. If you weren't in the picture...damn. Such a gorgeous view! 

Dario: I'm focused. Your insults do no matter.

The trees would be a whole lot nicer if they didn't look fake though. 

Dario: What trees? As if I care.   

.

 . 

Once he had finished for the morning, his phone started to ring in his pocket. Time to be called by the telemarketers, I assume. 

Dario: Look at me. I'm magic. 

Sim physics need to stop. 

Dario: How long can I balance this phone here before it falls to the ground?   

Dario: Hello? Who is that? 

I bet it's just your lover, isn't it? Is she checking to make sure you haven't burnt down the house or fallen off the side of a cliff yet? 

Dario: A business opportunity? I would love to. 

Are you telling me someone wishes to hire you for business? 

Dario: Yes, indeed. They say I will be paid handsomely.

Do you think...they will give me plastic surgery? 

I doubt it. More like a concussion from knocking you over. 

Dario: I'm not even that ugly. I bet tonnes of people find me attractive. 

Yeah, I bet. 

 

.

.

Dario: Here we are! I am pumped! 

What exactly did they say on the phone. I may have forgotten on the way here. You never told me. 

Dario: Something about "you'll be paid" and "be here soon". I ignored the details, to be frank.  

If they murder you in there, don't blame me. I could have stopped you. 

But I didn't. 

Dario: You would stop me from earning cash money? 

When you phrase it that way, of course not. 

Dario: I'm going in. With or without you. 

.

.

Dario: FINISHED! 

Oh my lord, you didn't die. Your suit looks redder than ever though. Did they clean it for you or something? 

Dario: No. I got paid the big bucks today. Check my bank please. 

I ain't your servant. I also don't remember if they paid you at all.  

Dario: Today so far has been a whirlwind. New monies, new cashies, and new skills! Plus, a new baby coming soon maybs. Honestly, couldn't have been a more experimental day for your friend Dario. Here's hoping I won't die soon and never live to see the birth of a child. 

 You don't even know if she's pregnant. 

Dario: I can sense it, ya know. In my dee-n-a.  

Please tell me you aren't eating the sloppy seconds and that this bowl is new. Or at least not more than a day old. 

Dario: This tastes...delicious! Of course! 

We need to take you to a fancy dinner one night. 

Dario: I'd like that only if you didn't insult me.   

Goodnight, Dario. Sleep-

Dario: I'm not actually sleeping. The Z is a lie. 

Well, you should sleep. Staying up late will not help you in the long term. 

You know, you could die. 

Dario: I won't die. You can't even die from cars in this world, okay?   

Really? Chess again. I know you want to be the grand hokey pokey of chess or whatever that lifetime wish dream of yours is, but sleep! Please. 

Dario: Must not sleep now. Must win chess. 

You positive you don't want to sleep? 

Dario: I only have what? Twelve or so days to live? Let me live.  

.

  .  

Zombie Lady: URGGHHH

Uh, Dario. Can you see this woman? ARE YOU BLIND? 

Dario: Chessy, chess. 

Listen to me, Dario. You need to protect your brain. Please. 

Zombie Lady: BRAINS!  

Dario: Can you shut the fork up right now? Stop screaming about brains, you zombie voice. Halloween's over. 

No, it is not. There is a freaking zombie right behind you. 

Dario: Zombies don't exist. 

Uh, yes they do. In your universe at least. Nothing is impossible. 

Go inside. 

.

  . 

Dario: I didn't see the zombie you were rambling on about, but I will sleep now. If that makes your seated heart feel better and not knock at your ribs. 

You want to stop going against nature and sleep. Finally. 

Dario: Goodnight, voice in the sky. 

Goodnight, Dario.  

Zombie Lady #2: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-----

Day Four

Good morning once again, Dario. What's planned for this fine day? 

Day four, I might add. 

Dario: Why didn't you give me the snooze option? 

I'm not your alarm, Dario. 

Dario: I just wanted to sleep in.   

Is that the face you made yesterday? You forced them to pay you to leave?

Dario: No. This cereal tastes like the garbage. 

It does? You fault for not eating healthier. 

Dario: I didn't even choose cereal this morning. That was you-

I love that, no matter what, chess is always there for you. As your best friend. 

Dario: Chess is not my best friend. 

Aw, is it me? 

Dario: No, it's my fiancee. Cassidy. The one I love. Ring any bells?  

Who? This woman standing at the side of the road? 

In maternity wear? 

Cassidy: Dario! Come out, come out. 

Wherever you are. 

Dario: Maternity wear? SHE'S HAVING MY BABY!  

Cassidy: I'm so muscly. Look at these guns! 

Your future wife might be aggressive this morning...

Dario: Aggressive? She's such a cute little green bean. 

Cassidy: Green bean...hehe... 

Dario: I have something to ask you, my greenie. 

Cassidy: What is it, dar-ling? Get it? GET IT? 

Yeah, we get it. Dar is for Dario. 

Dario: You're so sweet! I love it.  

 Dario: Will you...marry me right now?

Cassidy: OF COURSE I WILL! Let me just fetch the ring real quick. 

Dario: Good idea, me too. 

The following is a montage of the wedding of Dario whatever the hell his last name is and Cassidy Earthsong. Please sit back and enjoy.  

Now, I can officially confirm that the pair are married and...are expecting a small child! Hooray! 
Dario: You're pregnant with mah child! We must construct the nursery! 
Cassidy: What? Do we have the money? I want a honeymoon-
No time for a honeymoon, Cass.   

Here we are. The nursery. It doesn't look too horrid, but this is the best we can do right now. Be happy it matches. 

Dario: Ooh, butterflies! 

Cassidy: I can't wait to welcome a baby- what is your last name, Dario? 

Who knows? 

Cassidy: This new look really suits me! It happened...like magic. How? 

Dario: Don't question it, my love. You look adorable. 

That other dress looked horrible. I had to...spice things up. 

Dario: Her hair is like little manes of green!  

Chess is inside now! Rejoice! 

Dario: The baby is going to hate me. I'll keep it up all night with my present pondering. 

Your thoughts are real loud. 

Dario: You are really loud. Shush. 

Now that Cassidy is a part of the household, I can reveal that her lifetime wish is.....Super Popular! So it is time for her to find as many friends as alienly humanly possible! Hooray! 

Cassidy: Did you just call me an alien, taxi man? 

Taxi Driver: Whoever did isn't wrong.  

After refusing to pay the extremely disrespectful taxi driver, Cassidy arrives at the scene to search for potential forced friends. She stumbles upon two males at the local park area, but this park isn't very grassy. More like an outside plaza, really. 

Cassidy: Hi! My name is Cassidy. Who are you? 

Man in Cap: That's my cue to bounce.  

Ryan: Hello. My name is Ryan. Your skin-

Cassidy: Is green, I know. I ain't an alien. 

That's exactly what an alien would say. 

Ryan: You're definitely not an alien?  

Cassidy: You know, it's crazy, but I truly am not. Please, ask my husband. 

Nothing alien about me. 

Ryan: Okay, I believe you. I don't need to ask you husband. 

Cassidy: You sure? 

He doesn't need to ask your husband. 

Ryan: Was there something you wanted to talk to me about? 

Cassidy: Uh...do you, like, wanna be best friends? 

Pretty please. 

Ryan: You'll need to try harder than that. 

Cassidy: Guess what? I'm pregnant. 

Bet you didn't know that. 

Ryan: Uh...you're wearing maternity clothes and there's a bump-

Cassidy: Wait, where? 

Just look down. 

Ryan: Wait...where did that pill come from? 

Cassidy: I'm, like, actually a medical person. You want to test this newly developed pill for me? 

Ryan: I...I think so. Superpowers? 

I think she's actually a witch...

Ryan: Three...two...

Cassidy: SWALLOW IT! 

No need to be so forceful, Cass. He'll think the pill is actually like the apple from Snow White. You know, *choking noises* 

Cassidy: It helps you, doesn't it? 

Ryan: *swallows* Mmm. I think you're like my...new best friend. 

I feel revived and...oh, so much younger! 

Cassidy: Take that, other medical people! 

.

.

You want to talk about what happened back there? Did you actually drug a random stranger-
Cassidy: He's my best friend-
That's not the point. Did you or did you not willingly force a man to ingest something without knowing the consequence? 
Cassidy: He'll be fine. Stronger, actually.  

Is this best friend number 2? 
Cassidy: Indeed. I only need to keep in contact with him for a while and subtly ignore him. 
So you don't actually care about his feelings? 
Cassidy: Hold on. I can hear some random voice now? 

I'm surprised you didn't realise you could hear me earlier. 

Hi, let me introduce myself. My name is Tiger. 

Cassidy: Hello there, man. My name is Cassidy. 

You really just called him 'man', didn't you?   

Hector: Hey...there.  

Cassidy: So, like, weird planets. Am I right? 

AM I RIGHT? 

Hector: You are right. 

He's agreeing with you already! Fast friends! 

Cassidy: Yes!  

Hector: The moon though. 

I don't even understand what kind of conversation this is. 

Cassidy: What about the moon exactly? 

Hector: Have you not seen how much it glows?  

Cassidy: Can I tell you a secret-

Don't listen to her. She's pregnant, okay? Secret revealed. 

 Hector: Go right ahead. 

NO. 

Cassidy: I'm pregnant. With a beautiful man's baby.  

Hector: I bet he isn't actually beautiful-

Cassidy: You want to go? Come at me! 

Hector: Paper, scissors, rock! 

I feel like I never left primary school. I'll be right back. 

Cassidy: How did you beat me? WHY did you beat me? 
You chose scissors, Cassidy. He chose rock. You lose. 
Cassidy: But, why? You shouldn't have beat me. All because I called my husband beautiful? 
Hector: Exactly.  

Is this guy even worth it? There are plenty of people around here. 

Look, there's another male and a woman undercover. 

Cassidy: You probably just busted her cover.

Hector: What did you just say?

Cassidy: Nothing.  

Is he seriously rubbing your stomach now? 

Like seriously? 

Cassidy: This baby is gonna be green and like my husband! 

Hector: Promise you'll send me the first snap? 

Cassidy: Another round of rock, paper, scissors to find out?  

I think that head shake was a strong 'no thanks' on his behalf. 

Cassidy: I bet you've just had a long, tough day at...whatever you do. 

Are you like...an escort or something? 

That's not something you ask a random man. 

Cassidy: I need to know.   

Hector: Yeah, I'm on my way now. Just need to finish my conservation with this...welcoming, pregnant green alien-like woman. 

He complimented you at least. 

Cassidy: I am not alien-like! 

Hector: Sorry, she's complaining.  

Surprisingly, you know have two new friends! Well done. Time to head home now, I guess. 

Cassidy: I wonder what my husband is up to. Wow, so weird. 

I bet he's boring and just back at chess again.

Cassidy: Yeah.  

.

  .  

Dario: How was your day today? Mine was brilliant. Nothing but chess. 

Honestly, your wife attempted to poison a man and talked about planets for a little bit. 

Dario: It's so freaking dark in here! 

Did I forget lights? I'm so so sorry.  

Introducing the newly improved lounge area! So much colour. 

I do admit their home looks a whole lot better than an empty lot. 

Cassidy: Is our TV rusty or am I blind? 

It's a fashion statement...or should I say, a furniture statement? 

Cassidy: THE COUCH IS GREEN. LIKE ME.   

I see ice-cream is on the menu for dinner tonight. 

Dario: I've been craving this all week, okay? 

Let me live a little. 

Because ice-cream for dinner is the definition of 'living a little'. 

Dario: Shush. Go and focus on Cassidy for a while longer. 

Cassidy: My husband forced you to speak with me, didn't he? I wish he would stop forcing you on this. 

Well, to be honest, I like you a lot better. You're my favourite literal 'green' bean. 

Cassidy: Hear that, Dario! I'm better!  

Dario: I don't care. I look fabulous tonight. 

 That's one way to be over-confident. That's literally the same suit from yesterday...and the day before...

Cassidy: OH MY GOD. There's an actual gym on screen while I work out. 

Dario: Well, I'm tired. Looks like I should turn in early. 

Pregnant wife? Are you coming? 

Cassidy: I think I'll stay out here for a little longer. 

Dario: *yawns* Are you sure? 

Cassidy: Yes, dear. 

Okay, now that he's gone, what did you want to discuss? 

Cassidy: Why exactly are you speaking to the both of us? 

I assume you aren't real-

I am real. Just not in your world. Think of me as a...higher being. 

I guard you and speak to you and prevent bad things, like...stupid death. 

  Cassidy: I don't wanna die. 

Are you serious? I thought you were tired? 

Dario: Chess somehow helps me stay awake. I'm waiting for Cass to come in. 

I don't understand any of your logic, but I will ignore it and allow you to continue life. 

Dario: Thank ya. Also, thanks for the lights.   

Look at that belly! You'll be welcoming a newborn greenie soon enough. 

God, I do hope the baby is actually green. 

Cassidy: Right! My skin-tone is so much better than Dario's! 

Right! Also your hair. Your features. You. 

Cassidy: Why am I even out here? I'm hungry.   

He didn't even clean up his mess. That smelly bowl too; I just can't. 

Cassidy: I hadn't even noticed the smelly bowl.

Smelly bowl, smelly bowl. What are they feeding you? 

Cassidy: Yucky cereal.   

Cassidy: That woman looks nothing like me or anyone else in this world. Who does she think she is? Her graphics DNA particles are so not calibrated like mine are! 

Yeah, I think she's an alien. 

Cassidy: Right! Aliens aren't even colourful. They hide in plain sight. 

I knew it.  

This is where I will leave things for now. Today is the end of day four. 

I hope you are enjoying this all and look forward for next time, when we will hopefully meet the baby green bean and potential chess competition. Maybe Cassidy will find friends in unusual places, like her Mummy and Me classes. 

My name is Tiger, and I once again apologize for the long wait. It's surprising that Dario is not at the top of my priorities.