Day Five
Hey! I'm back again with the fourth day in this messy life. Last time, Dario and Cassidy essentially eloped (Vegas excluded), the green bean's pregnancy became the ultimate weapon to convince people to digest mysterious medicines, and who could forget the zombies. Or, as Dario believes, the non-existent chess interrupters. Now you're all caught up.
Good morning Dario!
Dario: Morning, voice man. I had a freaking nightmare.
Oh, me too. I-
Dario: I don't want to hear it. In the nightmare, the baby was born...ugly.
That's such a devastating nightmare. I'm so sorry.
Dario: Look, you shouldn't listen to me. This baby will be adorable, I can see it.
Didn't you literally just see an ugly baby in your nightmare?
Dario: Nightmares aren't credible sources.
True. Better not use nightmares for research.
Dario: Do you think Cassidy shared the same nightmare last night? She was actually there, so I suppose she must have-
That's not how dreams work. Also, clean up!
Dario: I don't feel like walking all the way to the bathroom.
Right.
You understand if you cleaned up you could actually sit at the table when you're eating, right?
Dario: I'd prefer to sit here, thank ya.
Oh, I agree. Those chairs are super adorable. No sarcasm required.
Dario: Could you let me eat in peace?
Your husband just kicked me out of the kitchen.
Cassidy: Good! I needed to chat with you.
I'm all ears.
Cassidy: I'm excited! I had a dream that this baby will definitely be green and I couldn't be happier!
That's great news! I am excited for you, Cassidy.
Cassidy: Thank you...voice...I can't believe I forgot your name.
You did have one, right?
Yeah, but the 'voice' is honestly fine with me.
Cassidy: Just look at me! I can't wait for this baby.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen...
Dario: Did she tell you about a specific nightmare at all?
Uh, no nightmares from her. One dream, however.
Dario: You cannot tell me she's excited about an ugly baby?
Your husband thinks you want an ugly baby now.
Cassidy: Wow, it's still strange to hear him labelled that. Anyway, tell him this baby will be most adorable. Very cute.
I see you are trashing that old ice-cream tub. Thank you. You are my favourite.
Cassidy: Not much competition around here.
Did you hear that, Dario? Not much-
Dario: I know my wife is the most adorable. No denying that.
I wasn't just talking about her looks...
Dario: Are you telling me you'd prefer her to be the founder?
Sadly, you're too adorable to be the heir of a Uglacy/Prettacy.
Cassidy: Aw, thank you Tiger!
Look, you remembered!
Cassidy: Indeed I did. Now to head inside for some breakfast.
I can't believe my eyes. You're actually cleaning up!
Dario: I was bored, okay?
You can keep telling yourself that, pal.
Dario: I will, because I know you won't. See ya!
Cassidy: I can't believe he's actually in the bathroom cleaning the mess. He's such a wonderful husband. There it is again!
Husband...husband...husband!
Cassidy: I get the picture, thank you. Let me cook in peace.
Okay, green bean. Would have been nice if you cooked for Dario.
Dario: I can't believe she didn't wake earlier to cook breakfast for the both of us. I just can't...how could my wife?
No need to abuse the marriage, Dario.
Dario: I know, I know. Just a tad frustrated, you know.
Just remember, she is married to you. She's carrying a Dario baby.
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Mailwoman: I'm outta here! I caught a glimpse of the house owner and boy!
That was one...ugly man.
That's not very nice, lady. You come back right now and apologize.
Mailwoman: This is the last time I accept to walk this neighbourhood again!
How is breakfast coming along, Cassidy?
Cassidy: Apart from overhearing Dario's disappointment in me, I'd say this breakfast will be...delicious! Hehe.
He doesn't hate you or anything. Just needs to warm to the fact that nothing is handed to him.
Cassidy: You're right! He should make his own food!
Dario: Ew, ew, ew, ew. I don't want to see that!
What is it now, Dario? Sorry, I apologize for being so harsh on you.
Dario: I don't like this! You do it for me!
Oh. No, I can't. That's past my region of power. You're on your own, buddy.
Dario: IT SO SMELLY!
Toilet duty. D-
Dario: Don't even go there, voice. I swear to plumbob-
I wasn't gonna say anything, only your name. Calm down, toilet scrubber.
Dario: I need to call someone.
Who are you calling?
Dario: The next ranked chess opponent. I wanna beat him.
Good luck. I'm sure you'll whip his-
Dario: I don't think I'll be needing your comments, thank ya.
I've left your husband to call the chess friend. So, how is breakfast?
Cassidy: As predicted...delicious!
That's great news. Now to see if Dario is still hungry!
Cassidy: Hehe, better not tell him anything else.
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Dario: I am dressed now for the occasion. Ready to beat his ass in chess.
You seem awfully confident. I hope this doesn't come to bite back.
Dario: I am very skilled at chess.
Yeah, and I'm a master at eating food.
Dario: That's intriguing...
Cassidy: He's here! Go and beat him for me, baby!
*she groans* It's not the baby yet, Dario.
Dario: Oh, you make me happy. I will win.
Here we go. I can't wait.
Cassidy: Don't be nasty.
Can you please explain what the hell is happening right now?
Dario: Hello, Bruce. My name is Dario.
Bruce: Hey man. Ready to chess it up?
No one has explained the awkward hand shake yet.
Bruce: Nice...nursery you have here. Are you trying for a baby?
*Bruce tilts his head*
Dario: My wife is pregnant, yes. Due soon.
Bruce: Oh, that's wonderful!
Focus on whipping him in chess, Dario.
Dario: I think so too.
Good. Focus on the game and not your competition.
Dario: Hmm...where to move next? Hmm...
Good. Keep him guessing. Ooh, this is fun! I feel like a coach in the middle of a soccer match. D-A-R-I-O.
Bruce: Say, you wouldn't happen to know anyone for my son to date, would you? He's been lonely since his last relationship, and dating is always good for him-
Dario: If I wanted to gossip and chat about you, I'd call you for brunch.
Focus, Dario. No need to chop his head off.
Bruce: I apologize. I just thought...considering your outstanding attire...that you'd know if anyone would be willing. See, he's not your average teen-
Dario. Focus. Don't engage with him. Chess him out.
Dario: Please tell me he's hideous.
WHAT THE HELL, DARIO!
I needed to leave his little chess date. His conversation skills with other fathers needs to improve before the baby is born.
Cassidy: What did he say now?
I mean, he didn't hesitate to ask if the teenager was ugly.
Cassidy: I suppose, in his situation, it's not an unreasonable question.
Bruce: Uh...no, he's not...ugly. Per say.
Dario: Not your average teen? Does he collect the dead corpses of his pet goldfish?
Bruce: No! Of course not! He's just boring, okay!
Dario: Checkmate. I win.
WOOHOO! WE DID IT, DARIO! Orange slices, anyone?
Bruce: I only wanted to chat with someone. I think...I think my son is still depressed from his last relationship.
You can find a friend with this guy, Dario. He'll lose at chess all the time.
Dario: Thank you for coming, Bruce. I wish I could help your son, but ya do that on ya self. I have one question: did you set him up last time?
Bruce: You don't do that?
Dario: *heavy sigh* I don't think ya boy liked your choice.
Bruce: You're not suggesting...he's gay?
Oh, you finished a movie. Damn, felt like forever in there. I think your husband might have outed someone.
Cassidy: That's...oh. I better start watching another film then.
You didn't want to chat with him?
Cassidy: I better not annoy him now.
So you said goodbye to Bruce then?
Dario: Yes, I did. He best not come back here again with his problems.
Just because my name is Dario, doesn't mean I'm Mario and jumping problems with my magical racoon power thing.
Right. Total sense.
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Would you like to explain the situation here, Cassidy?
Cassidy: So, basically, I'm just arriving at this cafe place to manipulate people with my pregnancy powers when this bitch sorry, woman, starts to give birth! Like, how arrogant can you be?
Some people just don't know when to give birth.
Woman: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hey, it's Hector. Say hello for me.
Cassidy: God says hello, Hector. Also, HECTOR HEY!
Aw, thanks.
Hector: WHAT IS HAPPENING?! GOD SAYS HELLO AND A WOMAN WILL BE POPPING A CHILD OUT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!
Cassidy: Hello, ma'am. My name is Cassidy.
Anna: Anna. Pleasure to meet you. Should we-
Cassidy: Are you undercover right now? If so, that's so interesting. I've always wanted to be an undercover spy. Search people's houses...
Not creepy at all.
Woman: HELP....ME...AHHHHH
Cassidy: So, like, do you hide in bushes like the movies show or are you more skilled, like you can blend in with the walls or camouflage in daylight?
Anna: I'm not a undercover spy-
Cassidy: You're just undercover! You couldn't spoil that!
Woman: AHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHH!
Teenager: Someone help this woman! She'll give birth soon! I'm a virgin for Christ's sake!
Hector: Oh, kid, it ain't pretty. None of it is.
Anna: Should I assist this woman to the hos-
Cassidy: No, I bet she's undercover too! Like, she's not actually pregnant, but this is her act to secure information on you. Maybe she's hunting you!
Anna: She's a pregnant woman, Cassidy!
Teenager: I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT!
Cassidy: Trust me, I know how to spot undercover spies. Look how easily I caught you!
Anna: I'm not an undercover spy-
Woman: *sighing* I think I can drive myself.
Cassidy: See? Perfectly normal. Fake belly.
Anna: WHOAH! You solved the case! She's faking it all to fool people like you! I can't believe you're that smart!
Cassidy: Guess what! I'm pregnant too! Twins!
Anna: But isn't she faking hers?
Cassidy: Maybe that's what she wants you to think...
Anna: I think you'd be perfect for a new opportunity we're considering. I'll let my superior know of you if you give me your information.
Cassidy: Well, you know my name. I'm married, pregnant. No other babies-
Please don't tell her too much, okay?
Cassidy: This morning, my husband was chatting up Bruce. His son is gay, apparently.
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Woman: If nobody is...AHHH! going to help me, then I'll AHH! help myself.
Goodbye, random birthing lady. See you next time.
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Anna: So, you whisk the eggs first before you pour in the cream, okay?
Cassidy: I think I can handle that.
Did I miss something important while I watched the pregnant lady leave?
Cassidy: Thanks for the cooking tips, undercover lady.
Anna: I...I felt...the baby kick. Do you know the gender at all?
Cassidy: I do. I'm having a girl.
Anna: Congrats! Can you name it Anna for me?
Cassidy: Whose name is that? Your mother's...I'm so sorry.
Anna: No, it's mine! My mother is still alive!
Cassidy: Can I tell you a secret?
Anna: Oh, please.
Cassidy: My mother wasn't green. She had an affair.
Dario: Chess...chessy...chess chess...
You okay, pal? You haven't gone insane yet have you?
Dario: AH! You startled me. Let me know when you're entering the room, okay?
Got it. The voice will knock on your door before it enters.
Anna: Uh...I don't know how to respond to that.
Cassidy: It's not really a secret, actually. My father...well, the one married to my mother while I was born...he kinda suggested it. Knew my mother wanted a green bean.
Anna: That's...interesting. I've gotta go.
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Dario: Tomorrow I should call over the next ranked opponent. Beat his or her ass until I can claim victory!
Oh I would love if Bruce suddenly ranked higher than you again.
Dario: I don't ever want to chess with him again.
Talk to him, at least.
What you reading there, Cassidy-oh wait, you only read the same book.
Cassidy: Uh, it's not like I only read one chapter of a book. This book is interesting, okay? I can't put it down.
Some say the novel is even more impressive than sex-
Cassidy: SHUT UP!
Dario: You alright over there, baby? I was going to eat these waffles, but I can cook you some dinner instead-
Cassidy: I'm perfectly...fine...dear.
Cassidy, you seem...off. Are you okay?
Dario: She's standing up-
Cassidy: My water just broke.
CODE GREEN: BABY COMING ASAP. She needs to leave, right now.
Dario: I know, I know. I wish we had a car.
Cassidy: GET ME TO THE FREAKING HOSPITAL!
Dario: Ah! What do I do, what do I do?
Hurry up and call a freaking taxi, Dario. She needs you now.
Cassidy: DO YOU WANT BABY SPILL ALL OVER YOUR FLOORS IN HERE?
Dario: NOT EXACTLY, NO!
Cassidy: I want to throw up. You think...the taxi man will...mind?
He'll be fine once I bribe him. I said nothing.
Cassidy: DARIO!
Dario: I'm on my way! Just forgot to turn off the TV!
Cassidy: I turned off the TV.
Dario: Yeah, I know. I realised that once I reached the TV.
Cassidy: Just get me to the hospital, darling.
Dario: I will, my green bean.
Cassidy: AHHHHHH!
Taxi Driver Lady: So, where are we headed tonight, loves? The movies? Maybe the bistro for a lovely meal-
Cassidy: I swear to Tiger...if you don't drive me to the hospital, I will unleash my magical powers on you!
Dario: We can do this! Just keep up with me and we'll be fine.
Cassidy: I can't run, Dario. I'M FREAKING GIVING BIRTH!
You'll be fine, Cassidy. Just deep breaths, okay?
Dario: Listen to the voice in your head, Cass. Breathe.
Cassidy: *she breathes* I can keep going. Just think about the...little babe, Cassidy. Think about how...worth it this will be.
And, with that, I conclude Day Five. Thank you for tuning in once again and witnessing the daily antics of Dario and Cassidy. Next time, will Cassidy's baby be welcomed to the world with colourful confetti? Day Six welcomes not one, not two, but three birthdays!
Until then, have a wonderful day.
-Tiger
